Monday, February 25, 2013

Hello again!

I've been a bad blogger, I know. I have no excuse except that life has been busy. I don't even know where to start. From where I left off?

I thought I was hitting a light depression. Turns out it was a mind numbing, scary as shit, deep, dark chasm of a depression that I'm fortunate I made it out the other side of without being completely fucked up. I'm better now, much better. I did have to get back on medication, which I've come to terms with but my goal is to try to be off in a years time. I'll write more about this all later I think. Maybe I'll just do a brief update today.

Family is well. Harlow is 2 and a half now, beautiful and as smart as ever. She is going through some things emotionally lately and she is having a rough time. A lot of temper tantrums, not listening, bad with transitions all of a sudden, stuff like that. I think it probably stems from some jealousy of Marley as well as just being 2. We're working through everything together and doing the best we can. We've signed Harlow up for a gymnastic class and she'll be getting into ballet soon too. We want a variety of stuff for her to try. We also do a play group once a week too. She really enjoys them and I can see how she has changed and thrived.

Marley is 9 and a half months now and a big fatty at 23lbs. He started crawling about a month ago and started cruising a few weeks later. He loves climbing stairs, watching the fish tank, eating, (this boy can eat) and is a very happy little guy. We've pretty much figured out what was causing his eczema and he now has very few break outs and when he does they are mild. We used muscle testing to figure out his intolerances and bioenergetic work to help him tolerate the sensitivities better. I'll write another post on all this later, very cool stuff! He sleeps well and does wakes in the night to feed, because he's a baby.

For me, I've been keeping myself busy with crocheting, I made Harlow a beautiful rainbow blanket! (Pic below) As well as baking, journaling, reading, learning about homeschooling and recently knitting. Actually I just taught myself today, and I'm not too shabby if I so say so myself! I plan on making Marley some big butt baby pants but have yet to start. Also I lost about 30lbs just from cutting out ALL dairy, eating healthier and breastfeeding. OH YA and from a crippling depression. But at least I look good right??!

Ross and I are amazing. Our relationship really changed after getting through my depression together. We're closer than ever and lately sex has been amazing. Maybe it's the whole turning 28 thing but lately I feel insatiable - which he is totally down with! Lol. So definitely feeling a lot better with life again. Thankfully.

So ya, quick update. My new goal is to write a post at least once a week. Maybe more. I've got so many hobbies lately that I don't have time for everything! Don't worry I still raise my babies! But I hope you're all still around, I'm sorry I've been away but I had life to deal with. Hope all is well!

Talk soon!

Here's some recently shots of my loves! Enjoy!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

When depression happens.

Somedays the ugly head of depression come poking about. Some times I least expect it, some times I see it coming. I've dealt with depression all of my adult life and only since being pregnant with Harlow have I managed to completely get off medication. I've done really well since, probably better than when I was on it.

Sometimes depression is just a sad feeling, sometimes it's a barfy feeling in the pit of my stomach. That's how I feel today. We've just been dealing with a bunch of things around here lately. All of us have been sick, Marley had a UTI and is currently on antibiotics. He is also said to have eczema. The dr. told me this a while ago but I guess I was in denial, I hoped it was something else, something that had a quick fix. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just eczema. I feel like that's so unfair for a baby to have. Babies are supposed to have perfect "baby soft" skin. Not dry itchy eczema. :(

I don't know why this has got me down so much, AF is also here so maybe that doesn't help. I just feel blue.
Well we have our naturopath appointment this weekend, gonna get some allergy testing done and maybe figure out what triggers it, help keep those things away. At least it's some thing.

I feel bad when I'm in a funk though, Harlow ends up watching to much tv and I become a lump on the couch. Luckily Marley doesn't notice too much. I also think it's hard on Ross, he doesn't know how to help.
I'm ok - well at least I will be. I know you must be thinking that things could be worse, be thankful for what you have. Well sometimes I just feel sad and that's ok. I feel sad that my beautiful baby has an ugly skin rash. It'll be ok, but right now I just feel sad.

Sorry that after a long break this is what I come back with. Sometimes it's easier to write about the harder stuff, or sometimes I just need to vent. Thanks for listening. Thanks for reading.
Right now I have my daughter lying in my lap watching Mickey Mouse as I type on my phone. Marley Is asleep. And I feel a tiny bit better.

Here's some pictures cause I've been a bad blogger.

Monday, August 27, 2012


Maybe I should've blogging while Harlow is playing with gramma. But instead I'm watching this.

Friday, August 24, 2012

One Long Week.

This has been a really long week for me. Ross has been out of the house almost every night and I have been doing double duty with the babes. Not that I don't love to be around my babies but I do enjoy when Ross is home and I can at least have a long shower without worrying that Marley is gonna get fussy. I feel like it's been one loooong day.

Ross has recently joined a soccer team which I'm really excited about for him but also a little annoyed for me. This week he had a game on Tuesday so he was home from 530-630 then gone til 9. Thankfully he was home for me to get Harlow in bed without Marley. Then Wednesday he had a man date with a friend, they went to the driving range and he had a blast. He was home for bed then too! Thursday he had a soccer practice and was home in the evening, but left at 830 and I had to get both babies to bed by myself. Tonight he is going to Metallica and doesn't even come home after work and I have no idea when he'll be home. So it means bathing babies, entertaining Harlow for another 3 hours by myself and putting them to bed together. THEN he has to work again on tomorrow! Sigh.

I like that he gets to go out and do stuff and make friends (he doesn't have many) but maybe he doesn't see how hard it is to be Mama 24 hours a day, with no break. I only need a small break, just enough to have a stress free shower and maybe an hour to not have a baby attached to me. It really helps when he's home for bedtime cause Harlow's dicks around in bed for a bit and Marley falls asleep quickly so I'm constantly shushing her! Or if Marley wakes up then it means starting all over again!

To top it off Aunt Flo's been here this week which means entertaining her. And Marley has probably begun teething and has been up a few extra times at night. Makes for a tired mama. Thank goodness for placenta pills!

So ya, it's been a long week. It's not usual but now that he's playing soccer it will happen once, maybe twice a week. That I can sorta deal with, but every damn day is just too much to ask. I need a break.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

While I lie here.

While I lie here
one baby nursing
the other hugging my back,
you are off doing things.
Marvelous things.
But I get to lie here,
nursing my baby
and stroking my toddler's hair.
I will always choose this.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Potty Learning with Harlow! (please note the words pee and poo will be used a lot in the post)

I am proud to announce that at 25 months Harlow is almost completely potty learned! I'd say 95% of the time she makes it. 100% with pees but the rare time she will still poop in her undies!

Potty learning started off well at around 18 months. Mostly on her own she would tell me she had to pee and I would have her little biodegradable pink potty ready and she would go. She did a lot of naked time so when she did miss she felt bad about it. Of course nothing that I ever implied made her feel bad, just her own feelings. I would just get her to help me clean up and I remind her that pee pee goes in the potty, then we would go on with life. Nothing to dwell over or get angry about. At this point she would still ask for a diaper to poo in, I would always ask if she wanted to try the potty but she always said no. So, not wanting to fight and traumatize her, I put a diaper on. She was doing well.

Around 20 months he stopped all together. She wanted a diaper on all the time, if a diaper was off she would pee on the floor without thinking about it and not ask to use the potty at all. I think it was just a potty break that had to do with the impending arrival of Marley. It was frustrating for me because I knew she could do it and didn't understand why she stopped all of a sudden. But I let it go. She went back in diapers pretty much full time, I said if she got to 2 years and still wasn't really trying I would try some techniques.
Just before her 2nd birthday she started asking to go to the toilet and not the potty. She was now naked most of the day, it started off well by me asking her, pretty often, to go pee and putting her on the toilet. Then it changed to her telling me so I stopped asking. Once in a while she would make a sprinkle before she remembered then would stop and hold it and make it to the toilet. She wanted nothing to do with the potty anymore, (which came to be annoying and inconvenient once Marley was born) but so be it. Soon she was making it every time! Then we added undies - again this took a little time for her to realize that it isn't like a diaper, we started with full pees in undies, then sprinkles, to now, always making it!

She was still asking for a diaper to make her poo in at first and if I wouldn't put it on she would hold it and hold it until she was crying, then I relented and gave her one. I was getting tired of cleaning up two poo diapers - so one day I just kept saying no. That diapers were all gone and she had to poo like mama and daddy now. She cried and ran away from the toilet and I felt bad but I knew she could do it and it simply had to be done. I just watched her and when I saw her starting to push or making grunting sounds I would quickly run her to the toilet and it would come out pretty quick cause she was almost pooping on the floor! She would holler to get off and that it was gonna hurt so we just distracted her with a book til it came. She would squirm and try to get off a couple times but then she asked for a hug, pushed a bit and it came out. Then she says it just tickled!
We did have a few poo misses, probably 2or 3 but she soon learned the feeling of needing to poo. Now she generally knows when she needs to go even though it's sometimes just a fart If she's naked it's 100% of the time.

It's still a bit of a show to get her to go though. She will still whine a bit when she knows it's coming and we have to run back and forth a bunch of times til it comes, mostly cause of the farts I think. Sometimes she will ask for undies to poop in and I just remind her that we poop in the toilet now. When she gets on and actually has to go we still just distract with a book or a song and wait. Sometimes it happens and sometimes she gets off and we try again later. When she does go she is always super proud and always wants to see what it looks like, she says "it's a BIG ONE!!" then flushes the toilet herself!

I'm proud to say that we didn't use any rewards system. I was at the point with her pooping that I was gonna use stickers but it just upset her too much when she didn't go and didn't get a sticker that I just left it! She liked reading and singing better anyways!

She is even potty learned at night. I noticed she was waking up dry every morning so I just took away her diaper. I make sure she pees right before bed and as soon as she gets up and that's it! We had one accident in bed and its been good for over a month now!

One thing I will do differently with Marley is when he is younger and first starts showing signs of knowing when he's gonna poo, like hiding away and whatnot, then I will start his learning then. More of an EC approach that I wish I did with Harlow, save some of the drama now!

So all in all she was a pretty easy kid to help learn to use the potty. She started it mostly on her own and it only took about 6 months! Yes, if we're not paying attention she might still poop in her undies, and it's a pain in the ass to clean up, but we're almost there! I can't believe how old and mature she's getting already!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Feeding Marley.

Breastfeeding Marley has been an easy experience thus far. He is a strong and efficient feeder who likes to hang out at the breast and just cuddle once the milk has quieted down. In the beginning he would have to take a soother cause he just wanted to nurse and there was too much milk from feeding Harlow too. But now that his tummy is a bit bigger he can drain the breast and just fall asleep.
I love our times together and it really gives me a chance to just look at him and love him and marvel at him. He often likes to stop feeding just to give me a milky smile or even sometimes talk to me with a mouth full of boob! I love looking at all his chubby rolls and tiny fingers and beautiful face. This is what love is.

As well as breastfeeding usually goes for me I often get plugged ducts. I had them with Harlow and I had my first with Marley just yesterday. I find that they are usually caused by a little milk blister or a bleb on my nipple. A bit of skin grows over a duct opening and blocks the milk from coming out, causing it to back up. It can be caused by a lot of things - oversupply, missed a feed, insufficient fluids, a bra strap that's too tight. And It can be pretty painful and red all the way up to the top of my chest. I usually just scratch open the blister, once I find it, and all is well. Sometimes it can take a while before I know where it is and my boob gets pretty sore.
So I was reading about them in my LLL book and it said it can be caused by a poor latch. Something I've never really thought about until recently.

My friend's son had a lip tie and a tongue tie. Severe enough that it would cause him some pretty bad colicky type symptoms because he was taking in a lot of air when he nursed. They were both having a hard time. She had to take him to a dentist to get them cut with a laser. She said his latch and demeanor have improved greatly.

So I thought I would take a look in Marley's mouth cause I always noticed that his upper lip didn't splay out on my breast like it's supposed to and if I'm not holding my boob up it tends to fall out of his mouth. I just assumed that this was normal as it was the same with Harlow. But yes, he has a pretty significant lip tie. It doesn't seem to bother him and he is obviously growing and gaining well. I also took a look in Harlow's mouth and same thing.

So now that I know that it's there and that it most likely causes my plugged ducts and blebs do I do anything about it? I'd say I got about 10 separate plugged ducts with Harlow and seem to be getting them with Marley too. They aren't nice. (I thought I would avoid it this time feeding the two of them) My boob says yes, do something about it. My heart says no - I don't want to have to watch my baby cry and be restrained to get cut with a laser, just for my benefit. Reminds me a bit too much like circumcision. I mean I know that if it's effecting the baby then do it, by all means. But since it's not bothering him - why bother? Would it make it easier for him to feed and a nicer experience for him? It's also been said that leaving it can cause tooth decay because food gets trapped up there or poor tooth alignment cause it pulls at the gum line. But my dental assistant friend said that a long as your keep their teeth clean it's not something you have to worry about until their adult teeth come in. Then you can wait to see if it's actually effecting them and it can be their decision weather or not the want to do something about it.

So have you had a baby that had a lip or a tongue tie? What was your experience? Did you cut or leave it? I'd love to know. I will most likely leave Marley's because, like I said, it doesn't effect him. But we'll see in the future.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

My body.

It sometimes amazes me how much my husband still loves my body. As I continue to lose weight from breastfeeding two children my belly skin is getting a little saggier. Unfortunately it makes me a little sad because, short of a tummy tuck, no amount of crunches is gonna get rid of extra skin.
I shouldn't be sad about it cause this belly housed two babies for 10+ months and they were both humungous baby bellies! But still I feel not as sexy as I once was.
But funny enough Ross still thinks I'm as sexy as the day we met. Sometimes I find it hard to believe cause husbands are supposed to tell their wives that they are beautiful. But he reminds me that this body gave him his beautiful children and that if he didn't think I was beautiful he wouldn't say it everyday.

So as much as I may doubt it, Ross will remind me most days. I prefer to wear longer shirts and will probably wear a one piece bathing suit or at least a shirt over top a bikini for the rest of my life but I think I'm ok with it. Somedays are better than others. (Yesterday was a hate my body kind of day.)

And just to check back about yesterday - I am feeling happier and not so snappy at Harlow but am actually tired. Harlow woke up crying a bunch of times last night cause of her teeth and I ended up putting a diaper back on her cause I was sure she was gonna forget and pee. (She still woke up dry!) And Marley was up every couple hours to feed. PLUS I think Ross has sleep apnea - he kept gasping in the night and waking me up too! He said he had a bad dream about Marley dying. :(
So I'm pretty sleepy tired today but not mentally exhausted. This I can deal with!